


Roxy, Wedding Planner Extraordinaire

by EzzyAlpha



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, F/F, Family, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Pissy Roxy, Romantic Comedy, Strider-Lalondes, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-19
Updated: 2012-07-19
Packaged: 2017-11-10 07:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzzyAlpha/pseuds/EzzyAlpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy's little brother Dave is marrying John and Roxy has to plan their wedding, while dealing with the sudden irritability of her girlfriend Jane. It is now the wedding day and everything that could go wrong does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Roxy, Wedding Planner Extraordinaire

“Drop that fucking tuna roll before I cut you.”

Dirk did as he was told and carefully placed the tuna roll into place, backing away slowly.

“Something wrong, oh sister of mine?”

Roxy glared at him and continued to viciously clean the cups.

“What was Dave thinking? I’m not a wedding planner. I don’t know shit about weddings.”

“He probably didn’t want you to feel left out.” said Dirk. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms “After all, I’m his best man, Rose is his maid of honor. He probably thought you’d be pissed for not doing anything.”

“Janey is the other groom’s sister and she’s not doing shit. It’s not fair.”

Roxy stopped cleaning and quirked an eyebrow.

“Our families are gay as fuck, wow.”

She snarled and slammed the glasses down onto the marble island, making  Dirk slightly jump up, not enough for the regular person to see but enough for his sister.

“You’re gonna break those.”

“What the fuck was Dave thinking? ‘Oh hey, I’m going to bone my sister’s girlfriend’s brother, fall in love with him and marry him’, yeah that’s some wonderful family dynamics. Douchebag.”

“Roxy, why don’t you have a little glass of vodka?”

“I can’t. Look at all the shit I have to do.”

She slumped against the counter, next to Dirk.

“Why can’t we be rich? Why did Janey’s family renounce their evil but wealthy grandmother? Why am I the fucking wedding planner? Whyyy.”

She threw herself on the ground.

“I hate Dave.”

“I get a feeling this is about something other than planning the wedding.”

“I wish I could switch you with Janey. Just press a button and boom, annoying older brother is now hottie girlfriend.”

“I’m leaving. You’re free to follow me and have feeling jams.”

“No, fuck off.”

Dirk left. Roxy didn’t follow.

-

“I hate everything.”

Jane attempted to roll out of bed. The attempt was successful and she fell out, slamming on the floor. Heavy footsteps up the stairs and the door to her room slammed open.

“Golly Jane, are you okay?”

“Get the hell out of here Jake.”

“Is that the way to speak to your cousin you haven’t seen in ages!”

Jane mustered the strength to throw a plush cat at his head.

“Is anything wrong?” he said, cocking his head to the side.

“You think?”

“Devil fucking dickens Jane, your little brother is marrying, it should be a happy occasion! Now, I don’t know what’s going on that head of yours but you get up right now, lying on the floor is undignified for a young lady such as yourself.”

“Doooork.” The melodious voice of Jade was heard saying down the hall.

Jane sat up and glared at Jake.

“Dave proposed to John after 7 months of dating. A Strider-Lalonde actually settling down with someone.”

Realization spread through Jake’s face and he sat down on the floor next to her, patting her back.

“I’ve been with Roxy for four years. It’s not fair.”

“I know dear. I swear, if that snollygoster doesn’t up and make you an honorable woman, I will beat the crap out of her myself.”

“That’s…Unnecessary Jake, but thank you for the feeling.”

“Doooorks.”

-

Roxy scurried around the kitchen. The doorbell rang and she ran to the door. It was the flower guys. She accepted the flowers, signed the papers and promptly went to look for a place to shove the stupid plants.

She opened the closet and shrieked.

“No, you’re not fucking having sex in the closet, I haven’t had sex in closets or anywhere really in like two weeks ever since this wedding shit started, get the fuck out of there and go help with the quiches.”

Rose quirked an eyebrow and awkwardly tried to cover up Kanaya.

“Sister, may I say you’ve been extremely pissy as of lately.”

“Go!”

“I’m going!”

Rose slithered out the closet and into the kitchen. Kanaya awkwardly stood there in her ravaged and ripped dress.

“May I ask for a needle and thread?”

Roxy shut the door and went to find some other place for the green assholes otherwise known as petunias. She sighed.

“We really are a gay as fuck family.”

-

It was noon when the Egberts and cousins arrived at the Lalonde mansion. John Egbert was certainly nervous at the prospect of running into his soon-to-been husband, but of course, Dave was at the tailor’s getting his last suit inspection. The family of 5 was quickly let in by Miss Maryam. Dirk was quick to get everyone’s coats and hats and scarves and other clothing items. He was also quick to check out Jake’s ass. Jake was quick to tackle hug Dirk and lift him. Kanaya was quick to stand on the corner being awkward because she didn’t really know anyone and was just here as Rose’s date.

The seven of them stood around being pretty in their wedding clothes until Roxy came down the stairs in sweats.

“What. Why.”

Jane shook her head as everyone else stared confusingly at her.

“It can’t be noon. It can’t be noon already.”

Jane slowly nodded as everyone else looked at each other confusingly.

“Shit.” Said Roxy, as her eyes widened to dinner plate size. She ran up the stairs. Then she ran back down, grabbed Rose and Kanaya and dragged them into her room.

“Okay, this dress is tight as fuck and I need help getting into it.”

-

Fifteen minutes later, Roxy was dressed in a beautiful ankle length strapless fuchsia dress with lace trimmings, abstract geometrical stamping on a band from the right side of her chest to the left hip. She flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“Oh wow.” Muttered Kanaya. Rose glared at her.

“It’s a nice dress.” Said Kanaya, slowly backing away.

“It’s perfect. I can’t believe it, it’s really perfect.” Whispered Roxy, taking a few slow steps. She giggled and walked around like a supermodel.

“At least one thing going right.”

She tripped on a stray jar and stepped on the dress tail, ripping it right around the waist. For a few seconds, the three girls just stared at the ruined dress.

“…No.” said Roxy, her mouth contorting into a mute scream.

“She’s got this!” said Rose, pointing at Kanaya.

“I got this!” said Kanaya, nodding excitedly.

-

Roxy strutted into the living room, a purple sash around her waist.

“It makes the dress even better, if I may say so myself.” Said Kanaya, strutting next to her.

Rose just glared at both of them.

Jane looked at Roxy, eyebrows lowered.

Roxy forced a smile.

Jane looked away.

Roxy groaned and walked over to the buffet.

The wedding guests started arriving. All of John and Dave’s friends. Not many but enough to fill up the living room.

“Okay, Dave will be here soon and the wedding will happen and then the reception and we’re okay.” gasped Roxy, pacing around in the kitchen. Rose and Dirk looked at her over glasses of wine.

“That Terezi chick keeps bonking into the walls.” Said Dirk.

“Not my fucking problem.” Said Roxy, filling a glass for herself “Booooze, glorious booze.”

Jane ran into the kitchen, out of breath.

“We have an issue.” she said.

“Well, yeah, you’ve been avoiding me ever since we knew of the wedding and I have no idea-“

“Roxy, no, there’s an issue with the priest. He was in a car crash and he won’t make it to the wedding on time.” interrupted Jane.

Roxy choked on her wine.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me, where the hell am I going to find a gay friendly priest an hour away from the wedding?”

“He’s fine by the way.” Muttered Jane. Roxy bumped her out of the way and ran out of the kitchen. Jane sighed and turned to Rose and Dirk.

“You deserve that for being all pissy since the wedding announcement.” Said Dirk. Rose chuckled. Jane glared at both of them and walked out.

-

“Where the fuck will I-Ow!”

Roxy looked down at whatever bumped into her.

“Hey, watch where you’re goi-Oooh, hi Teresa.”

“Terezi.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

The blind girl cackled.

“In a rush, miss Strawberry-banana milkshake hair?”

Roxy gaped at her for a moment before remembering she had an important task at hand.

“The priest couldn’t make it and I need to find someone quick so if you’ll excuse me.”

“I know someone with a marrying license.”

Roxy shrieked and grabbed Terezi by the bony shoulders.

“Can they get here in time?”

“He’s already here.”

“Then go get him.”

Terezi cackled and run off, hitting a pillar on the way.

“God, Dave you little twit, your friends are weird.” muttered Roxy.

-

“How you motherfucking doin’, Dave’s sis.”

Roxy’s eyebrows felt like they were permanently glued down.

“Who’s this.”

“This is Gamzee.” cackled Terezi “He has a licence to marry people.”

“Why.” Not-really-asked Roxy.

“Because he wanted to be a priest but got kicked out for drug use.”

“Motherfucking AMEN sis!”

Roxy’s glance switched between Gamzee and Terezi at an alarming rate.

“Fine, whatever.”

-

Dave arrived at the exact time, not one minute earlier, not one minute late.

Soon the wedding was on course. People divided by the two rows of chairs, one for Dave and one for John, mutual friends divided as to make everything even.

At the end of the living room stood Dave and John, Dirk and Rose on one side, Jake and Jade on the other, Gamzee in the middle.

“We are here to join these two motherfuckers in blissful union, brothers and sisters.”

John and Dave slowly turned and glared at Roxy.

Roxy just slid down her chair trying to avoid their eyes.

Jane shook her head from John’s side of the living room.

Dirk and Rose attempted not to break down giggling.

-

As the wedding itself was over, the chairs were rearranged for the reception. Everyone started having fun.

Mostly everyone.

Roxy sat in the kitchen alone drinking wine from the bottle. Jane walked in. She noticed Roxy and stopped, frozen.

“So how long are you planning on avoiding me, Janey?”

Jane shook her head.

“I hope you’re not planning on getting wasted.”

“Funny, that’s exactly what I was planning.”

“Well, it seems that for once, was right about what was going on in your head.”

Roxy put down the bottle.

“What are you talking about. Actually, what’s been up with you.”

Roxy got up, years of drinking experience not letting her fall from drunken dizziness.

“Wow, you really have no idea do you.” murmured Jane. She hugged herself, looking away. “I’ve always had this fantasy, ever since I was a kid, that when I reached the age I am now, I’d have been married for years. And then my brother would come to me for advice on his dating life because he’d be unable to stick to a relationship.”

Jane shrugged.

“Do you get what I’m saying?”

“That you were a weird kid?”

Jane glared at Roxy and stomped over to her.

“Roxy, do you remember two years ago, when I proposed to you and you said you weren’t ready?”

Roxy tilted her head to the side.

“Hey wait-“

“And I decided to let you be ready, to wait for you, without pushing you but we’ve been together for four years and that day doesn’t seem any closer. I don’t want to lose you but I just want one proof that we’re together and that you care about me enough to do one little stupid thing, because, if it’s as meaningless as you think it is then it shouldn’t be a problem to do it and I…I just…”

Jane sobbed and walked out into the living room. Roxy stood there as if she’d just been punched in the kidneys. Rallying all her resolve, she ran after her.

Jane stood in the middle of the living room, being comforted by John. Roxy ran up to them and pushed John away.

“Jane!”

“Roxy, what are you-“

“No, just listen to me and don’t interrupt.”

Roxy took a deep breath and looked around the room. Everyone was staring. Except for Terezi who was turned towards the door.

“Two months ago, I booked a hotel room in Hawaii and I arranged for a horse carriage tour of the island and swimming with dolphins and a whole lot of romantic shit which I hate but I know you love it. I told the staff to fill the room with roses and chocolate cake and I went out and bought a nuts bustingly expensive ring and I was going to whisk you away for a romantic weekend when my dumbass of a brother popped the fucking question to your dumbass of a brother and the numbnuts decided that they were going to get married ASAP and that I was the wedding planner and I had to call off everything because not only was I going to be busy as fuck, if I proposed to you right after Dave did, then you’d think I was copying him, and I wanted it to be special so I waited and you stopped wanting to talk to me and I had no idea why, especially because I was up to my metaphorical dick in wedding planning and I had no time at all. So, right after you talked to me in the kitchen and left, I thought fuck this shit and I came after you and I guess it’s a good thing I’ve been carrying this around.”

Roxy removed a small black velvet box from between her breasts and propped down on one knee.

“Will you marry me?”

Jane’s jaw fell silently. Roxy eyed her nervously.

“Janey?”

“Yes. Oh my god. Yes.”

Roxy jumped up and picked her up, twirling her around. The wedding guests started clapping.

“Oh god, I am so sorry, I was so stupid and mean to you even though you were so busy, Roxy, I-“

“Shh,” whispered Roxy in Jane’s ear “Everything is going to be okay now.

Rose and Kanaya looked at each other and promptly looked away.

Jake was applauding loudly and giggling like an idiot. Dirk walked next to him.

“Man what a messed up family. Want to make it even more messed up?”

-

Roxy stood outside, bottle of wine in hand and a content smile on her face. Dave walked up to her.

“Hey dude.”

Roxy raised the bottle and nodded. Dave smirked.

“That was a sweet ass proposal.”

“Not as sweet ass as it could have been.”

“Thanks for planning this whole thing. I didn’t even asked you if you wanted to.”

“It’s fine little bro.”

“It was a great wedding. Up until your romantic attention whoring ruined it.”

Roxy smacked the back of his head and giggled. She ruffled his hair and he playfully shoved her away.

“Also you pushed my husband.”

“I am sorry for that.”

Dave played with his shades.

“I gotta go back inside and cut the cake.”

“I’ll be there in a sec. I don’t like leaving things unfinished.” She said, raising the bottle.

Dave walked a few steps away and stopped.

“Hey, Roxy?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how I used to be this dumb playboy that refused to hold a relationship?”

“You grew a lot.” Said Roxy, smiling fondly.

“Only because I wanted something like you have with Jane. You’re awesome at relationships.”

“Go inside and cut your cake you little shit. Everyone is waiting on you.”

Dave smirked again and walked away.  Once he was long gone, she sighed and looked up at the sky.

“And you’re an awesome brother Dave. And I’m glad I could be your wedding planner.”


End file.
